Depression is the flaw of love. To be creatures who love, we must be creatures who can despair at what we lose, and the depression is the mechanism of that despair. When it comes, it degrades one’s self and ultimately eclipses the capacity to give or receive affection. It is the aloneness within us made manifest, and it destroys not only connection to others but also the ability to be peacefully alone with oneself. Love, though is not prophylactic against depression, is what cushions the mind and protects it from itself. (Andrew Solomon)
Some time ago, I bought a white board and two markers. To write myself encouraging phrases from Steve Jobs and the others, and… You see where I’m going? No? Too bad, because I don’t feel like giving too many explanations today. Still, you know what’s on my board these days? A question mark! Like this: ? What am I asking? Whom am I asking? Why am I asking? It there anything to be asked at all? Does anybody have the answer? And no, it cannot be 42!
Today I died a little. It’s nothing new for me, it just happened too sudden, I had no warnings and for a moment, the thought of dying for more than a little was present again. Wearing a red dress and smelling of Channel’s Allure, it strutted around, intimidating any other thought that had not succumbed to its suffocating scent.
I had an incredibly stressful day in the office, one of those days when you want to go to your manager and ask for a raise for having to deal with idiots. Some people are either playing stupid, or they are plain stupid, I don’t know what’s worse.
And I’m not sure it was the frustration of their stupidity, or my lack of compassion and understanding, but I felt I needed to leave the office. Come home, go up to the gym and die on the treadmill. You see, there are also good ways to die. Metaphorically speaking, don’t start being melodramatic here!
Every time I enter my apartment, I expect to see him in his armchair. With his glass of scotch, reading or listening to Placebo. I haven’t listened to Placebo since he left. Today, I’m running up that hill… (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KEEXyRL0qE). And I don’t know if it was the music, the music, his not being here, the music, but I started feeling it growing. Like a cocoon, like a cell multiplying, like a living organism growing inside of me, taking over… The breathing stopped. Time stopped. I wasn’t peacefully alone with myself anymore.
It’s so easy to give up sometimes.
Luca, where are you?
The voices… All talking in the same time. Can’t stop them. Make them stop!
They stopped. Somehow. Maybe it was the sleep that stopped them. Whatever it was, thank you! It’s quiet again.
And then I see the board. It says, Wake up, Clara! Nobody can save you!
And in the low, right corner, with very small letters, it says But you.